Monday, April 07, 2008

Good thing Macs don’t come with polygraph widgets.

I am an asshole.

I’m sure most of you are already aware of that, but apparently Matthew forgot.

I was getting tired of working, as I often do at work, so I figured I might as well chat up Matt on AIM. But instead of one of my usual openers like, “hey stinkface,” or, “what’s up monkeybutt,” I decided to go a different route:

Me: Good day to you, sir.
Me: How are you this afternoon?
Matthew: angry
Me: I am sorry. Did I make you mad?
Matthew: no
Me: That is good to hear.
Me: So why are you angry?

Finally, Matt realized something was amiss. Punctuation? Capitalization? Everyone knows Drew is too lazy for such things while instant messaging. And since when has an uncaring bastard like me ever cared how Matt feels?

Matthew: why the f are you formal
Matthew: the f
Matthew: f f f!
Matthew: it’s creepy
Matthew: like you’re a sixty year old man that wants to get into my pants or something

It was something I could work with. He’d laid the suggestion that I might be someone else. And a pervert to boot! So I decided to seal the deal and type something I’ve sworn to never type in my life.

Me: LOL

It was time to lay the foundation of my new identity. Who in my office could have access to my computer and be a 60-year-old pervert?

Me: How did you know that I am really Andrew’s boss pretending to be him on his computer?
Matthew: what in the world?
Matthew: you’re andrews boss?
Matthew: cool!
Matthew: hello!
Matthew: hire me
Matthew: hire me please
Matthew: i need a job

Perfect. Matt’s immense desire for employment had distracted him from the possibility that it could be me being a total dick. I decided to work it further.

Me: Do you have a portfolio?
Matthew: haha
Matthew: http://www.andrews.edu/~parkm/Portfolio.htm
Matthew: i’ll work on it

I clicked the link and began a quick view, but not before pressing the pervert angle Matt suggested earlier.

Me: Let me know when it is finished.
Me: Then maybe I can hire you and get my 60-year-old self in your pants.
Matthew: cool
Matthew: i’m all about climbing the ladder via sleeping the boss
Matthew: just messing

Right about then Matt realized he really had no idea who he was talking to. 60-year-old office workers rarely ask to get into strangers slacks.

Matthew: andrew
Matthew: no?
Matthew: andrew’s boss?
Matthew: i’m scared

I felt a buzzing in my pants. (Don’t worry. It wasn’t because I was turned on by the situation.) My phone was going off. It was Matt.

I walked to a conference room and answered my phone with a relaxed hello. Slightly panicked, Matt asked me where I was. I quickly thought up a lie and told him I’m taking a break downstairs in the building’s shopping levels. He asked me about my boss and if he ever used my computer. I stuck with the description that was set up in the AIM conversation and said we sometimes got on each other’s computers to get files from time to time. He let me know that he was chatting with my boss before letting me go to continue my shopping spree.

I hung up and ran back to my computer to see it ding with a new message.

Matthew: oh my goodness
Matthew: you really are andrew’s boss
Matthew: give andrew a fat raise
Matthew: so he can buy me toys

I decided to make my boss a bastard as well as a degenerate.

Me: I wish I could give him a fat raise.
Me: But all the money goes to me.
Matthew: didn’t your mom tell you to share?
Matthew: share the wealth, the saying goes
Matthew: it’ll make you happier
Matthew: and inadvertently me as well

All the while, I was still looking through Matthew’s portfolio. I scrolled down the page and noticed a listing for Matt’s yearbook that I helped out with a little bit the year after I graduated. I got an evil idea.

Me: I’m looking at your portfolio right now.
Me: Didn’t Andrew do that Yearbook?
Matthew: it was eons ago
Matthew: he was the editor for other years before
Matthew: that yearbook he designed
Matthew: and girl named rebecca and i were co-editors that year
Me: He said he did it all himself.
Me: He must have lied on his resume.
Matthew: he didn’t
Me: I’m going to have to review his resume to check.
Matthew: no he’s truthful
Matthew: you have to trust your employees
Me: I’m sure you’re just covering for him.
Matthew: check it
Matthew: then give him a fat raise
Me: We need to do a pay cut to some employees.
Matthew: oh no
Me: Maybe this will give me an excuse to do it to him.
Matthew: that’s sad
Me: Thanks for the info.
Matthew: oh lord
Me: Don’t worry, I won’t tell him it was you who told me.
Matthew: you’re a scary boss
Matthew: so covert
Matthew: and sneaky
Matthew: pretending to be your employees
Me: I think Andrew is back.
Matthew: ahhh!
Me: Don’t tell him I was talking to you.

I logged off. I thought I’d stay offline for awhile to let Matt sweat. After five minutes or so, I signed back on. Matt’s message window popped up instantly.

Matthew: andrew!
Matthew: andrew andrew andrew
Matthew: are you a smoker now or something?
Matthew: who goes on breaks like that?
Me: have such great sales in the stores today!
Me: cause of leapday
Matthew: check your gmail

I logged into gmail to see Matt had sent me a copy of his whole conversation with my fake boss.

Me: i can’t read all that
Me: give me a summary
Me: drew’s a busy boy
Matthew: uhm
Matthew: pretty much i asked him for a job
Me: ooh, did he say yes?
Matthew: then he asked for a portfolio
Matthew: so i had this dinky site
Matthew: and i had the yearbook picture
Matthew: here | now
Matthew: it doesn’t say i designed it
Matthew: only that i was co-editor
Matthew: but then he was like
Matthew: andrew said he did it all by himself
Matthew: and i was like
Matthew: yeah
Matthew: for his yearbooks
Matthew: that yearbook was a girl named rebecca and mines
Matthew: except he designed it
Matthew: and then he was like
Matthew: we need to do pay cuts
Matthew: i bet andrew lied on his resume or something
Matthew: i was scared
Matthew: am scared
Me: shit
Matthew: he’s not
Matthew: going to
Matthew: your porfolio has your yearbooks
Me: i might have mentioned that one, i’m not sure
Matthew: i’m scared
Matthew: and kind of disgusted
Matthew: your boss is freaky
Matthew: and nearly 60
Matthew: and wants to be you
Matthew: and wants to get in my pants
Matthew: he told me not to tell you
Me: damn it, my boss is in his office with his door closed
Me: with the blinds shut
Matthew: he’s masturbating
Matthew: to our conversation
Matthew: he wants me
Me: or trying to figure out how much to dock my pay
Matthew: no
Matthew: i told him twice to give you a raise
Matthew: and he said no
Matthew: he gets all the money
Matthew: and his workers get cuts
Matthew: you should knock
Matthew: and go make a peace offering
Me: hold on, he opened his door
Matthew: uh-oh
Matthew: i’m freaking out
Matthew: call me later

I logged off and laughed maniacally to myself. Pathological liars must have the most fun.

On the way home, I had nearly forgotten about the day’s fabrication until I received a text message on my phone.

Matthew: Are you done with work yet? I’m scared…

I got off the train from work and called up Matt.

I had it all planned out. I got in a fight with my boss. I tried to explain the lapse in my resume, but he would hear none of it. After an hour of heated exchange, he fired me.

I was all ready to make Matt suffer, but I couldn’t do it. After hearing Matthew’s pitiful little voice on the end of the line, I fessed up. I guess I just didn’t have the blackness in my heart that I thought I did.

Luckily, Matt doesn’t hate me or wish me dead a thousand times over. This is really good for me, since it means he’ll still talk to me, leaving him wide open to more lies and deception on my part.

Maybe next time I can convince him that I’m dead.

But then again, after what I put him through, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind that at all.