Monday, February 23, 2009

I can be such a dick (and balls).

I was sipping a cup of tea while clicking around Facebook when I realized I hadn’t changed my status in quite some time. Something came to mind as I looked down at my mug. Well aware of the connotations, I typed up an update.

Andrew is tea bagging.

A couple of nights later I was on Facebook again when an instant message from one of my coworkers popped up from the bottom of my window.

Co-worker: Um.. you do know what your saying.. right?
Co-worker: Tea-bagging is the name of a sexual act.

I’m a guy. And I’ve been to high school. So, yes, I knew what I was saying. But I felt like playing along anyways.

Me: oh my!
Co-worker: Yeah.. uh
Me: i’m way too innocent to know that!!
Co-worker:Aw.. that is so insanely cute that I can’t stand it
Co-worker: I don’t mean that in a patronizing way
Co-worker: Seriously, you’re extremely good looking, and if you say you’re ‘tea-bagging” you’re going to get a lot of attention.. uh.. from guys.. taht you don’t want
Me: damn me and my inadvertant puns!
Co-worker: lol
Co-worker: yeah. tea-bagging is uh.. *blush* an oral sex thang in which uh.. the guy is uh.. *blush* standing over a girl and uh..
Me: okay, i better change it then

I went to the top of my profile and typed in a new status.

Andrew is cleveland steamering.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Stopping is essential.

$843. That’s how much it costs to keep my van from trying to kill me.

I was driving down 22nd and steered into the left turn lane to pull into Toys R’ Us. The arrow turned red, so pressed on the breaks.

And they broke.

The break pedal was to the floor, and I was still moving forwards. Into oncoming traffic. I whispered a “shit” as my still-functioning rear breaks screeched in an attempt to stop all 2 tons of my van. 50 feet later, I was a car-length into the intersection, and luckily not nose-deep in the rear of someone else’s vehicle.

Brought it in to the shop and got a bill for the aforementioned $843.

If I can recall correctly, I’ve had to get the breaks fixed three times and the coolant system four times. The suspension, breaks and windows have had to be fixed. And who could forget those three months in which the van kept turning off in the middle of the road for no reason at all. In the past year alone, I’ve paid over $2,000 on repairs to my van.

Kelly Blue Book lists my van’s value at $1,440.

Math says it’s time to get a new car.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Internet transmitted diseases.

Deanry: guess what i got yesterday
Me: herpes
Deanry: a twitter account
Me: same thing