Saturday, March 29, 2008

Devil with a bag of chips.

Jessica came back from her noontime health club break to announce to me she had gained two pounds since last week. And it was my fault. Apparently, I’m turning my coworkers into fat-asses.

It started when I bought three bags of booze-flavored chips I wanted to try but couldn’t finish. Knowing how much my co-workers enjoy their alcohol, I ended up bringing the bags to work and abandoning them on an empty table in the middle of the department. They was gone in two days. (Except for the bloody mary ones. Those tasted too much like burned leather and armpit.)

After that I started bringing in all my leftover snacks that I bought just to try. Cinnamon Sweet Potato Pringles. Raspberry M&M’s. Cheddar Jalapeño Cheetos. The table became a venerable buffet of gimmicky snack treats.

Now, daily, I hear the pleas of my coworkers to stop bringing stuff in, that I’m giving their spare tires a spare tire of their own. But ten minutes after they complain, I hear a rustle behind me as one of them rummages through the snack bin for a Crispy Reese’s Bar. I have never felt so satisfied.

This must be how drug dealers feel.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Insult to injury.

I just discovered I have a cut on my finger, and I have no idea where it came from.

This occurs on a semi-regular basis. I’m just sitting around doing nothing when I look down to find I’ve suffered a flesh wound. How I can manage this, I have no idea. You would think that getting my skin ripped open would be something my body would alert me to the second that it happened.

I guess my nerve endings, much like myself, are lazy-asses.

Whenever this happens, I like to make up little origin stories for my wounds. This scrape on my finger came from trying to do origami too fast. I got this bruise on my elbow when i tripped over a squirrel. I cut my lip making out with Jessica Alba.

Unfortunately the truth is I probably scraped my finger picking up a print-out, bruised my elbow bumping into a wall, and cut my lip making out with Jessica Alba’s picture in the latest issue of Maxim.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Something to stomp Barbie with.

Today at Toys R Us, I saw a little girl ask her mom to buy her an 11-inch Mechagodzilla figure.

If I ever have a daughter someday, I pray to God she’ll be that cool.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Brownberry.

I was finishing up a dump at work the other day when the guy on the crapper next to me dropped his Blackberry, and it slid into my stall. He embarrassingly called out, “Could you kick that back to me?” I didn’t want to scuff up his PDA, so I opted against booting it over and instead picked it up and handed it to him under the stall wall.

Not until after handing it back did I realize why he probably preferred it kicked. I had just used that hand to wipe my ass. 

Friday, March 7, 2008

Trite, not quite.

One of the sweetest things anyone has ever instant-messaged me was, “this is trite, but i miss you.”

Unfortunately, she had typed it into the wrong window.