Saturday, September 30, 2006

I can’t think of a curse word that begins with “W”.

A week or so ago, I saw the first autumn leaves blowing across the ground, and I said to myself, “Fuck. Fall.” I guess I like to curse out upcoming seasons in alliteration.

Only six more months until I can say, “Shit. Spring.”

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

A different kind of nosebleed.

There’s nothing better to wake you up in the morning than the smell of your own blood. You can’t help but get a good whiff of it while accidentally cutting your nose while shaving. That was me a couple of days ago. A few days before that, I nicked my earlobe. The sound of your own blood may not be as waking as the scent, but the pain certainly is enough to keep you from dozing off any time soon.

What’s wrong with my shaving abilities? I’m not even cutting places on my face that my razor should be touching. I guess I just have horrible aim. A drunken blind man sitting on a washing machine would have a safer time shaving than me. If this was the future and we used lasers to shave, I’d have lobbed off my head by now. But then again, with six blades, a Gilette Fusion could probably manage to do that too.

I’m just thankful that I don’t shave my nether regions. Unlike King Missile, I prefer my penis attached.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Or Star Jones before the gastric bypass thing.

I just bought a fat, black goldfish tonight. Would it be horribly wrong to name it Oprah?

Friday, September 8, 2006

My Visa finally pays off.

The girl who works at Toys R Us that I find quite cute finally noticed me today. Thank God for Froot Loop Visas. As I handed her my card to pay for my latest Attacktix aquisition, she jokingly asked me if it ever made me hungry. No one had ever asked me that before. I was impressed. Unfortunately, I replied with a less than impressive, “Not much. I don’t really look at it enough.” The second I walked out the exit, I kicked myself for not saying, “Only when I go shopping.” That would have gotten an adorable little chuckle instead of just an adorable little smile like my actual reply got.

But that doesn’t really matter. Now at least she knows I exist. All I have to do is pay for my next toy with the same card and it’s instant recognition. Whenever I hand my card to that weird guy at the grocery store with the mustache, he always goes, “I remember you!” Hopefully the same goes for non-mustached, non-weird girls. 

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

Fur worth fighting for.

A hawk almost hit my head while I was walking from my car to the train the other week. Luckily, it wasn’t my fleshy skull he was hoping to feast on. That honor belonged to a little grey squirrel up ahead running for its life.

To me, squirrels are like tree-climbing puppies. Beings of such utter cuteness should not be consumed, especially right in front of me. With a burst of rare man-like bravery, I stomped towards the scene. Startled, the hawk missed his target and flew over to a fence a few feet away. We stared each other down, and my courage quickly began to fade as I pictured the predator darting at me to peck out the very eyes i used to glare at him with. But I pushed my inner pansy down and stood firm while the squirrel ducked behind the nearest tree trunk. Eventually, thinking me too tough to tangle with, the hawk flew off into the woods.

As I stood there making sure the predator didn’t return, three other squirrels emerged from their hiding spaces under the surrounding cars and bushes. I felt like such a hero - a champion for the whole squirrel community. I believe that had those rodents possessed the intelligence and opposable thumbs to do so, they would have forged me a medal of honor, most likely out of tree bark and nuts. But even without a squirrel-crafted badge of courage, all the honor I need is the knowledge that an adorable wildlife creature still lives because of me.

Monday, September 4, 2006

Ozzyboy.com - now with sideburns.

Damn, that took a long time. Who would have thought that converting a hand-maintained site into a proper content-management-enabled system while learning css and sql computer coding to implement such a conversion would be so hard?

So after a month’s worth of work, this is what you get. The same old site, but with some blue bars down the sides. Fancy, eh? Too bad I’m not even done yet. I still have to switch over all my old ramblings and all my old pictures of the day. I have a couple hundred of those, so that should take up another month of my life at least. Plus I have to get the links section up and get the pagination to work right and figure out what the hell trackbacks are.

If any of you notice any other bugs, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll add it to my fix list. My hate for you will only be slight for giving me more work to do.