Thursday, May 25, 2006

Flirt Loops.

I hate progress. It’s ruining my chances with the ladies.

When I applied for my first credit card, Capitol One offered a wide array of choices for pictures on the front, ranging from streaks of lightning to leopard skin. I went with Froot Loops. I liked that particular image because of its unusualness and my own particular affinity towards breakfast cereal. I had some worries that people would think I chose it because, like the loops, I was “fruity”, but I went with it anyways.

It proved to be a good decision. Almost every cashier I handed it to would comment on it.

“Ha, Froot Loops! That’s so cool!”

If the cashier was cute, I’d reply with something like, “Thanks. It was either that or a picture of a mountain sunset. I thought the Froot Loops would be more manly.”

She’d laugh and smile and I’d feel pretty damn good about myself as I walked out of the store.

But times have changed. Technology has advanced. Now you don’t even have to hand your card to the cashier to be rung up. They have card readers right there in front of the customers to use to swipe their cards themselves.

The cashiers don’t even see the card anymore. Now I leave stores feeling like shit.

I had the perfect flirting device, and now it’s useless. Now all I can do with my credit card is buy stuff.

Saturday, May 6, 2006

Damn those Pussycat Dolls.

I really hate that new Heineken commercial. You know, the one with all the green bottles trying to be sexy to that song by the Pussycat Dolls. It plays on television all the time and now the song is stuck in my head constantly.

I hate to admit it, but I’m actually starting to like it.

It’s infecting my brain. Now I wish my girlfriend was hot like them. Now I wish my girlfriend was a freak like them. Don’t I?

And by “girlfriend,” I mean that pillow I hug each night when I go to sleep. Sadly, that sack of feathers is neither hot nor a freak. Maybe I should invest in some Playboy pillow cases, then maybe we might be in business.

Monday, May 1, 2006

More Andrea than Andrew.

This morning while waiting for my computer to be fixed at the IT department, some stranger came up to me and asked if I was “Kim.” Having someone think you’re a woman is not a good way to start a week.

This never would have happened if I still had my beard.