Friday, March 31, 2006

Under pressure.

I had to attend an hour-long meeting at work today. Unfortunately, meetings with lengths over ten minutes never seem to agree with me. After that amount of time, I tend to doze off, which isn’t such a wise move when your boss is sitting right next to you. I always drink plenty water to stay awake, but then I have to endure the rest of the meeting with a bladder bursting at the seams.

I wish that was the case today. What was bursting at the seams this afternoon was not my bladder.

Last night I ate a dish whose primary ingredient was three cans of beans. Unfortunately, consuming that particular vegetable in such a large quantity never seems to agree with me. By the time of the meeting, the gas had built exponentially and screamed to be released, which isn’t such a wise move when your boss is sitting right next to you.

As the guy up front spoke of platforms and site architecture, all I could think about was the pressure I felt building inside of me. Like some sort of carbonated beverage, I could sense every bubble expanding within. My bowels were ready to burst like a 6th-grader’s science fair volcano, one which definitely would not be awarded first prize.

I had to use every ounce of will my intestines could muster too keep the explosive gas contained within. I clenched. I shifted. I fought. For sixty minutes straight.

When the meeting ended an hour later, I left victorious. Not a single sound emitted. Not a sole scent released. My ass had shown that gas who was boss.

Some people would commemorate such a triumph with cheer and applause. I simply walked into the bathroom and let out the loudest, smelliest celebratory fart ever.

Friday, March 24, 2006

I spend for the rear-end.

I like movies. I like buying things for cheap. The combination of these two truths is what makes me visit used DVD shops on a regular basis.

Also, having no life is a hefty contributor.

There’s this shop on 22nd that I go to a lot because of their wide selection of DVD’s and the cute girl who happens to work there. During one visit, I eyed a copy of the second season of Sealab 2021. I had been wanting one for quite some time. Unfortunately, It was a little above my spending price, so I left the store and walked down the mall to see what they had at Toys R’ Us, which also happens to have a cute girl who works there. My toys weren’t there and neither was the girl, so I started walking to my car empty-handed.

I passed by the DVD place again on my way back, and as I looked through the glass door, I could see the cute girl who happens to work there rearranging some movies on a bottom shelf. She was squatting over, wearing her high-cut shirt and low-cut jeans, leaving her adorable little buttcrack quite exposed.

I decided to go into the shop again and get a second look at the merchandise, if you know what I mean.

I ended up leaving the store, DVD in hand.

What can I say? Sex sells. 

Saturday, March 4, 2006

On a cheddar bender.

I haven’t gone out and done anything with anyone on a Saturday night in over two months. Tonight was no different. That bummed me out so much that I drove to Target, bought a block of cheese, and ate it.

Most people hit the bar when they’re depressed. I hit the dairy aisle.