Friday, December 30, 2005

Lonely lips for 2006.

I have never kissed a girl at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve. Never. My family and I will be spending this New Year’s at my grandparents place, so unless I decide on swapping spit with grandma, this New Year’s will be no different.

I think my New Year’s resolution this year will be to have someone to make out with for next New Year’s. I just wish I were better at keeping resolutions.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Santa can be a real bastard sometimes.

I was a nerd when I was a kid. I’m still a nerd, but back then my nerdiness was huge. I was basically Steve Urkel minus the thick glasses, weird voice, and African-American ethnicity. I was so nerdy that one year all I wanted for Christmas was a rock tumbler. Apparently, I found smooth, well-polished rocks to be cool, and the ability to polish them myself even cooler.

December 25th came around and I unwrapped my gifts to reveal a box with a red rock tumbler pictured right on the front. I was overjoyed. I was so happy that I jumped in the air and accidentally broke the hanging chandelier above me with my fist. I may have felt bad about ruining the light fixture, but I felt even worse when I looked more closely at the box and realized that my parents had mistakenly gotten me an unmotorized attachment to a rock tumbler instead of a tumbler itself. Unless I felt like spinning the tumbler barrel around by hand for three days straight, my rocks would forever remain rough and unshiny.

That was my biggest Christmas disappointment ever.

This year all I really wanted for Christmas was a new digital camera. Mine is currently three years old and the size of a meatloaf. It has a nifty swivel feature that allows for easy stalking photography (which I can’t live without), and I was sure you couldn’t get that in a smaller camera. One day I opened the Sunday ads to find the Nikon CoolPix S4. My heart had ached for it ever since. I put it right on the top of my Christmas list and prayed for the best.

December 25th came around and I picked up a small unsuspecting box to unwrap. I peeled off the paper to find a SD memory card for a digital camera. It was the exact same kind of card that fits the CoolPix S4. I knew what that meant – I was getting the camera. I was overjoyed. I looked up excitedly to thank my parents when my dad said to me, “Uh, Andrew, whose name is on the tag?”

I picked up the tattered wrapping paper from the floor to read the words “To Vina” written across the front. I had opened my mother’s gift by mistake. It was her memory card. It turned out the only person getting a digital camera that day was my mom.

And that is my biggest Christmas disappointment ever.

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

I’d rather chat with Fandango.

What the hell is MovieFone doing on my AIM buddylist? I have no recollection of ever becoming friends with a movie-listing service and putting it up on AIM for future online conversations.

MovieFone is a bastard for making itself my buddy without even asking me. It’s almost as bad as that jerk Tom from Myspace.

Thursday, December 1, 2005

Elevators are a good idea.

My job involves a lot of sitting on my ass. The only times when I’m not sitting on my ass are when I get up to go to the men’s room to sit on my ass some more.

I was doing some paperwork the other day when I realized I needed to get a form up in the HR department. I’ve been pigging out on birthday cake and Thanksgiving turkey for the past two weeks, so I thought I’d get some exercise by forgoing the elevators and giving the stairs a shot.

It didn’t seem like that big of a deal, but I probably should have done the math first. I work on the fifth floor. Human Resources is on the 19th floor. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that that’s a lot of steps. Unfortunately, I’ve never been that bright.

By floor eight, I could feel the burn. By floor fourteen, I could barely breathe. When I finally got to nineteen, I wanted to vomit. And I did. A little in the back of my mouth. Vegetable soup is less appetizing when laced with stomach acid.

I dragged myself to the HR desk, breathing like a pervert, and picked up my form. It was the form to sign up for the company’s health club.

I guess I’m really going to need it.