Wednesday, June 16, 2010

With deepest regret, congratulations.

It’s pretty fun buying sympathy cards and trying to use them for completely different occasions. It can be a bit of a challenge, but if you look hard enough, you can probably find one ambiguous enough to suit your situation instead of having to do with a dead guy.

The one I found for Peter I thought worked perfectly. Well, almost perfectly.

Monday, June 7, 2010

There’s always room for Gel-O.

I bought a different hair gel than usual over the weekend because it was on clearance. When I opened it up this morning, I found that it had the smell and consistency of Jell-O. I started to worry that someone may have bought the jar, used the gel, refilled it with fruity gelatin and returned it to the store.

There weren’t any chunks of fruit in it, so I went ahead and rubbed in. Now I’m at work and it’s all I can smell and I’m dying to lick my own head.

Luckily, I’m not that flexible or this would end up as weird as that time I used almond-scented hand lotion.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

It may be time to start wearing more Tees.

Dear shoppers,

Just because I’m walking around a store wearing a polo shirt does not mean I work there. Please do not ask me where you can find the toilet paper aisle just because my one-color shirt has short sleeves and a collar. No, I cannot do a price check for you. No, I cannot see if there are any more of that item in the stock room. Does it look like I have a name tag that says “How may I help you?” pinned to my chest? I’m simply wearing a polo shirt like regular people who do not work in retail do from time to time. It isn’t even the same color as what the employees’ are wearing. I’m in blue. They’re in red. Now please let me buy some shampoo in peace.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I guess Iron Man doesn’t always use martini glasses.

I just watched Iron Man 2, and it turns out that Tony Stark owns the same water bottle as me.

The only difference is I don’t keep mine filled with red wine.

If you want a look at it, you can find it right here. Unfortunately, it’s a bit pricier than your average water bottle, so it probably wouldn’t hurt having the fortune of Tony Stark if you want one of your own.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Like Goldilocks, but with toilets.

The men I work with on the 9th floor are not the most hygienic.

Often times, the deciding factor for which of the four bathroom stalls I use depends on which one has the least urine on the seat.

Today’s winner - three droplets.

God, I miss being on 10.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Diet and exercise.

I was so hungry after work today that I picked up a Beefy 5-Layer Burrito at the Taco Bell in my building before sprinting for my train. Unfortunately, in my rush, the burrito fell out of my bag and I didn’t even realize it was gone until I was already at the station.

And that’s how I lost 550 calories from just five minutes of running.