Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Ben who?

Have any of you ever heard of some guy named Ben Jelen?

Apparently he’s some up-and-coming singer, and I think I may have stood behind him in the checkout line at the Suncoast this afternoon. Mr. Jelen had a gig at the Sam Goody later in the day and I guess he was taking a tour of the mall before his show.

I probably would have made a bigger fuss about sharing the same air with him if it weren’t for the fact that my only exposure to him or his music was his three-minute cameo on Las Vegas last night.

Now if it were Nikki Cox one foot in front of me instead, that would have been a different story. I guess young men I’ve never heard of that apparently sound good while singing just don’t do it for me.

As I was leaving the store, I over heard the girl behind the counter talking to a co-worker about how gay she thought Ben Jelen looked.

It’s a good thing I refuse to wear tight-ass jeans.

I’m sorry about the lack of updates. The time spanning from April 15th to now is way too long a time to have to put up with clicking my site only to reread about my unhealthy buying habits.

I have good reason for my hiatus, though. For the first half of my extensive absence, I was a bit busy trying to graduate. Had to take a few final tests. Had to finish a few final projects. Had to walk down the aisle in a funny gown and a funny hat to pick up a piece of paper from an old man in a funnier gown and a funnier hat otherwise known as the President of Andrews University.

From my understanding, I graduated Summa Cum Laude. I probably don’t deserve that honor, seeing as how I don’t even know what the hell the words “Summa Cum Laude” mean. It just seems like the title of a porno in Latin to me.

That was almost three weeks ago. Now I’m busy attempting to find employment in the field that piece of parchment handed to me on stage says I am now qualified to work in.

Unfortunately diplomas are not gift certificates. You can’t just hand it to an employer and expect a free job. Getting work involves much more work than that. Resumes. Coverletters. Portfolios. Interviews. Right now I’m looking at the first three items on that list and I’m scared that they’re nowhere near good enough to get an employer to even grant me the last item. I’m so afraid that after spending four damn years getting my degree that I’m gonna end up with a dead-end job in retail.

Have any of you ever heard of some guy named Andrew McCash?

Apparently he’s some up-and-coming graphic designer, and I fear you may stand in front of him as he runs the cash register at the Suncoast in the near future. 

Friday, April 16, 2004

A high five for my 1040.

Your favorite relatives are the ones who give you the most cash when it comes gift time.

God, I love Uncle Sam.

Uncle Mike (also known as Michigan to those who do not assign uncle names to your states) was not quite as generous, but his return of $32 will not be ungratefully recieved.

On the other hand, Illinois, whom from now on I refuse to call an uncle, had the balls to tell me that I owed it $1.94. One dollar and ninety-four cents! What the hell is the state of Illinois going to do with one dollar and ninety-four cents? Buy itself a Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino or something?

So after all the math, it turns out that I’m getting $168.10 from the governments, which is a good thing considering what I got in the mail the other day.

And that’s not even the same $49.35 Cyborg Superman I mentioned a week ago. This is the original non-Terminator Superman, and it set me back $49.29. Tack onto that the four-figure Return of Superman set I just pre-ordered and the Doomsday figure whose purchase set me off on the Superman action figure binge in the first place, and my grand total comes to $165.64.

That leaves me with $2.46.

Perhaps I can buy myself a Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino.

Tuesday, April 6, 2004

Slave to my Master Card.

I just spent $49.35 on six inches of plastic.

That’s $8.23 an inch.

Why my parents ever wanted me to get a credit card, I’ll never know.

Monday, April 5, 2004

Despair of facial hair.

For the past nine days, I’ve been attempting to grow a goatee.

And I emphasize the word “attempting.”

The problem with this thing is that it has no density at all. It’s so damned patchy. My only chance at growing anything resembling an acceptable crop of facial hair is to grow it out long enough to cover up all the hairless areas.

And that’s the equivalent of an upper-lip comb-over.

I have to admit, the bastard doesn’t seem as hideous from five feet away, but get any closer and you’ll see that it looks more like a sparse growth of cactus needles around my mouth than facial hair.

I don’t know many girls who have much of a desire to make out with pointy plant life.

Whenever I look in the mirror, I’m so disgusted. It makes me want to vomit and punch myself in the face at the same time. It makes me wonder, if I find the thing this revolting, just how nauseated do other people get when they look at me?

I’m shunned enough as it is.

I would have shaved it off long ago if not for my hopes of it somehow filling in. As of now, all hope is gone. There is no chance of recovery. It has suffered enough. I’m going to have to put my goatee out of its misery.

Hopefully, that’ll lessen my own misery.

Thursday, January 31, 2002

Best bad weather ever.

Freezing rain rocks.

I just went onto AU’s website and it turns out that classes are cancelled after 12:30. Luckily all my classes today are in the afternoon. At least they were. Winter sure is great when it’s dangerous.

I didn’t think they would do it. I thought Michiganites were all tough and stuff. I thought these guys could take a swift kick in the crotch by a winter storm.

Guess not. If your balls can’t take the cold, you better get out of the snow.

It’s just been such a mild winter. Two days ago it was like 50 degrees. I was walking around in a t-shirt. But now we got an ass-load of snow on the ground and frozen chunks of water falling out of the sky.

Personally, I miss the good weather. But I’d rather be stuck indoors because of the horrible weather and not go to school than for the weather to be great and not be able to enjoy it because I’m in class all day.

And I was supposed to have a test today.

As I said before, freezing rain rocks.

Friday, January 25, 2002

Hit me baby, at least one time.

I am so pissed. No one is freaking coming to my site. I only have four pages of people on my guestbook, only three other people have contributed to my message board, and I don’t even have four thousand hits yet.

To tell you the truth, I thought my hit numbers were pretty good, but then I went over to someone else’s homepage and found out that she’s had 78,587 visitors on her site already!

That’s a hell of a lot of hits!

How the hell does she do it? How the f@cking hell does she do it? I feel so inadequate! I feel like some guy who just discovered that he has an incredibly small penis.

…but that’s another story.

Come on guys, help me out here. I need more hits. I wanna be in the big leagues…at least in the five digit range. At least put some crap on the message board or something. That thing is as barren as an 80-year-old.

Oh well, I’m pretty sure that none of you are gonna do anything. I even wonder if anyone is even reading this. Ah screw it, I’m going to bed.

And by the way, if you feel like visiting little miss 78,587 visitors, just go over to http://kristine.cybercandy.org. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.

Damn, I hate hit envy.