Thursday, June 30, 2005

In hate of hair.

My head is partying like it’s 1999.

I haven’t let my hair get this long since the last millennium. I’m beginning to remember why.

Hair longer than an inch and a half is a damn hassle, and I’m currently approaching the four-inch mark. Back when my follicles were shorter than my pinkie, I’d jump right out of the shower, rub in some gel, and get on with my life. Nowadays it takes a whole five-step process to make my hair at least somewhat presentable.

First I work in a batch of reworkable putty as a primary base. Then I rub in an equal amount of creme pomade to lighten it up. After waiting a minute or two for it to solidify, I streak in some liquid fiber for some added texture. Then I mess it all up with some whipped gel to volumize. And finally, I finish it off with a dab of sculpting clay to hold it all in place.

Good Lord. After typing that out, I have to admit I’ve never felt gayer than I do right now.

Anyways. Moving along…

On days when I manage to do all the steps properly and in correct amounts, I end up looking not too bad. But those days are rare. Most of the time, I end up not working in enough of some ingredient, and it all falls apart, giving me that stoogey Moe look. The other days, I add too much of something, and it sinks, making me look like some 50’s sitcom character. And no matter how much of whatever I put in, during the walk from the train station to my office, the Windy City always lives up to his name, and I end up looking like Wolverine.

But the worst thing about my current lengthy locks is the developing nasty rash on my scalp. Either I’m alergic to creme pomade, or my scalp can’t breathe under the mass of hair. Whatever the reason, my head itches like crazy, and dandruff shampoo isn’t doing a damn thing.

I’ve had it. I’m trimming this thing as soon as possible. I regret disappointing its fans, though. I know some of the guys have been complimenting me on my oldschool hairdo, but they’re probably just leading me on like that time in highschool they told Sergio that he looked good in his cape just so he would wear it to the school banquet.

So I guess this means goodbye to the ‘99 ‘do.

I hope it burns in hell.