Friday, April 14, 2006

Dump data.

I like keeping records of things. Making lists and graphs is kind of fun and helps fill the void of having no social life whatsoever. Who needs friends when I have a list of how much I weigh each morning to keep me company?

My current record-keeping project has been my spending. I type out all my purchases in a nice, orderly Excel document to review at the end of the month. Turns out I spend way too much on toys. Who knew?

What I’ve really wanted to start keeping track of though is my excrements. I’d mark down on a calendar when I went and how I went. Did it take me ten minutes or half an hour? Was it thick like a brick or did it float on top in an oatmeal consistency? I’d make sure to mark down fragrance as well.

I don’t know how, but I’d hope that knowing that kind of information might be helpful in the future. Perhaps one day I’ll fall gravely ill and the doctor will scream “If only we knew this man’s past fecal history! Then I would know how to save his life!” I’d whip out my records and be cured from the doctor learning my stool was watery and kind of green on March 22.

Even though that would probably never happen, I think it would at least be useable for grossing out visitors who snoop through the day planner I keep above my toilet.