Saturday, June 25, 2005
Consider this my extra pair.
Six months ago, I used to own a little site called ozzyboy.com. Then my hosting company went out of business without notifying me and my site was gone. I tried to find another company to host me, but soon discovered I never owned ozzyboy.com in the first place. The genius who ran Bloghosts registered the domain under his own name instead of mine. That meant that until the registry expired on August 25, 2005, ozzyboy.com would be the property of some guy named Jace Herring and remain completely untouchable.
So ozzyboy was gone. At least until autumn.
But I missed it. The random ramblings. The pictures of the day. People pretending to be Brian Brown on my tagboard. I just couldn’t wait it out any longer. I decided to shell out the $50 for a new site. Unfortunately, it couldn’t be ozzyboy.com.
I’ve been ozzyboy since that fateful day a decade ago when my family signed up for AOL, and the only way I could think up a screenname was to scan around the room until my eyes finally came to rest on my dad’s OZ books on the shelf. Why I decided to add “zyboy” to the end of it, I’ll never really know. Aside from the occasional IM from some random Ozzy Osbourne fan, I thought it was quite a nice identity.
But now that name is the property of some jerk named Jace. Sure, I still have the Instant Messenger account and the Gmail address, but it’s just not the same without the dot com.
But I had to move on. I had to think up a new domain name if I ever hoped to ramble again. I scanned the general vicinity for domain ideas, and after passing on Supermanboy and Calendargirlguy, I managed to find the following rambling on my hard drive that I hadn’t managed to post before ozzyboy.com went under:
| I had my mandatory pre-employment drug test on Sunday. I’m not a heroin addict, so I was pretty sure it would go smoothly. I guzzled down a good four or five cups of water before my appointment and headed down to the clinic.
After inquiring of my water consumption and lack of recent urination, the doctor handed me a cup, pointed at the designated fill line, and directed me to the bathroom where I would make my deposit. I unzipped and let the urine flow. Well, not flow. More like trickle. Even with the quart-plus of water I had just ingested, I could barely muster enough urine to fill it three-fourths of the way to the instructed amount. I should have known that water takes awhile to filter through a bodily system. Fifteen minutes is not enough time for a bladder to fill. It was going to be some time until some liquid managed to meander through my body and down my urinary tract, but I knew the doc would get a little suspicious if it took a patient ten minutes to fill a two ounce cup. So I pushed and squeezed with all my might for just a little more of the golden stuff. I flexed and clenched every muscle down below hoping and praying to get anything out. And it finally came… …out of my ass. Shitting yourself is one of the more creative ways to fail a urine test. That’s like trying to fill out an essay and coming up with a math equation instead. It wasn’t a massive amount of feces. I’d say about the size and consistency of a melted M&M. But trust me, crapping your pants in any measurement is not a moment of pride. I would have taken off my pants, wiped my anus, and rinsed off my Fruit of the Looms, but the length of time that would take and the sounds of a running faucet would definitely make the doctor think something shady was going on. I had no choice. I just zipped up, opened the door, and shemefully handed him my unfinished urine test. He poured half of it in a test tube and tossed the rest of it in the trash. I soiled myself for nothing. A bit too embarrassed to ask the doc if I could use his facilities to clean myself up, I just left and drove home sitting in my own shit, wishing I had the foresight to stow an emergency pair of spare underwear in the glove compartment. |
And so spareunderwear.com was born. I’d like to think that ozzyboy.com may have gotten shitted all over, but this site here will be my extra pair until I get the old site out of the wash. And I’m not complaining. This really doesn’t feel too bad on my bare ass.
| 02:08 AM