Saturday, September 18, 2004

Apparently, running is not a pleasant experience.

For quite some time I’ve known that whenever I go running, the repeated up and down motion tends to make my body burp up what I ate in the preceding hour. Given this knowledge, I have no idea why I thought it would be alright to eat a can of sardines yesterday right before my daily jog.

Belching up bits of fish into the back of your mouth is not a pleasant experience.

I started up running again earlier in the summer. Back then we were having freakishly cool weather, so I’d go running before noon, and things would be fine. Lately, though, the temperature has been a bit higher, which my stomach doesn’t seem to enjoy when I move my body in a continuous vigorous motion. It’s as if the intense heat turns whatever is in my stomach into ten-day old oysters. I have to stop a mile and a half down the road for fear of puking up my breakfast.

Vomiting up half-digested Crunch Berries onto 79th Street is not a pleasant experience.

To prevent any further heat-induced regurgitation, I decided to do sunset runs. I go out around seven-ish and enjoy a cool jog while I watch the sun disappear over I-55. With no big ball of light beating down on me, runs have been much cooler. Actually, a bit too cool. With the air blowing by me as I run and no sun to counteract the wind chill, my nipples get quite erect. Usually I have no problem with some nip action, but when I run, my shirt tends to rub up against them.

Letting your sensitively erect nipples repeatedly chafe up against thick cotton fabric is not a pleasant experience.

There really weren’t many options to counteract the nipple irritation. I could go shirtless, but I’m not sure many people would enjoy seeing a half-naked man running down their street. I could cut out nipple holes in my shirt, but that would be a bit too blatantly homosexual-looking. I couldn’t think of anything that would work until I remembered a picture from Maxim I saw a few years ago.

Let me tell you, nipple covers really do the trick. Now before a twilight jog, I slap on a pair of band-aids over the nips and head out for a run free of nipple soreness. Now the only problem is taking them off.

Ripping out your chest hair when pulling off band-aids is not a pleasant experience.

I’m just happy I dn’t have to band-aid my crotch before going for a run.